I can’t make peace with convention because it prevents me from doing my own thing. The following is one good example or could explain better the consequences of convention.
From the Navy Safety Center:
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, all of the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, and all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon the monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be attacked.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not? Because as far as they know, that’s the way it’s always been done around there.
May 10th, 2008
A listing of lines that I like from lyrics of the songs in my current playlist. The playlist in my i-touch-nothing-happens does not have a wide variety of artists. I currently have select artists/bands - Manic Street Preachers, Stereophonics, Travis, Oasis, Queens of the Stoneage, Heather Nova, Chantal Kreviazuk, A Fine Frenzy, Ryan Adams, David Gray, Badly Drawn Boy, Coldplay, Nelly Furtado, Radiohead, Damien Rice, and Robbie Williams. That’s quite a spectrum of moods in a short list.
When I’m on the move (i.e. walking) I usually have something stuck in my ears. That’s when I do most of my thinking. A line or two from a song can inspire me to write, most of the time ravings because if you have listened to these artists, then you will know where I get my confidence and confirmation to write what you may call abhorring statements. So, without further ado…
My little empire
I’m fucked with being fucked
- My Little Empire, Manic Street Preachers
That is quite a statement especially if you are being oppressed most of the time. I am clearly oppressed by thoughts and emotions. Fortunately, I have society to blame for it.
Cold, cold water
Surrounds me now
- Cold Water, Damien Rice
The song is actually religious. If I continue with the lyrics, Rice is actually saying that even if everything is not alright, he has the Lord’s presence to help him. I obviously had those lines cut-off because these are the only lines that matter to me. It’s my current state…just kidding. Well, kidding aside, I like the way Rice describes suffering in those lines.
You left me on the shelf
And now there’s no-one to rely on
But if it’s all the same to you
Here’s what I’m gonna do
I’m gonna buy a gun
Gonna shoot everything, everyone
And then I’m coming for you
‘Cos it was you that drove me to
- Last Train, Travis
Before anyone jumps into conclusion, I’m not condoning massacre. I couldn’t believe the first time I heard this - coming from Travis either. I find that these lines express helplessness and complete frustration. Why did I include this verse on the list? I guess I’m showing how comfortable I am at accepting these kinds of things. I still have sanity left in me to decide that this action is not part of my values, nor it will ever be. I may be a master at emotional torture, but physical pain is not my forte. Physical manifestation of pain towards others is against my belief because that would mean I am blatantly accepting an inevitable connection between men. My principle in life is so simple: as long as I don’t initiate physical pain to someone, then I’m preserving my values.
How about emotional pain? Emotional pain does not provide evidence of who caused the pain because there is no trail between the cause and effect. Emotion is stateless, thus there is no point of reference.
May 9th, 2008
For the aches and pains I’ve caused. For the time not shared. For the longing felt. For the doubts I’ve thought. For the weakness I’ve hinted. For the anger not shown. For the offense I may have committed. To the wife, I’m sorry.
April 28th, 2008
Do you ever have something in a year that just has to come and makes your life a mess even though it’s supposed to be celebrated? Well, aside from birthdays, Spring season which I mostly adore is the one that gives me hard time in the past few years and now. Mainly during spring it rains and I hate rains in this part of the world because umbrellas don’t serve their purpose. The wind is too strong that the rain gets into you if the wind is not able to break your umbrella. When Spring comes, allergens are everywhere and I just couldn’t stop my runny nose until early June. It’s a nightmare.
Today, it slowly started yesterday, I’m having a cold and it’ll probably develop into a flu. There’s a free flu shot ad at the Ferry Terminal, but I doubt if I’d get one. Usually if I can still handle it, I don’t take any medicines. I’m on a ferry now on my way to work and I think I’ll stop by a pharmacy to get myself some Advil because I’ll be facing my monitor all day and it’s not so good for an ill person because the radiation coming off it decreases your immune system giving way to bacteria a safer passage to your body. I know that this cold is simply the preamble to my season long allergies. I’ll be scratching and blowing my nose in the next two months.
Right now I feel like throwing up. I been feeling this since this morning when I woke up. I’m dehydrated which is a sign of a flu. I hope it doesn’t develop into something like last year when I was bedridden for a couple of days. I couldn’t stand up then and it’s so frustrating being helpless. That’s why if ever I become disabled, i would just end it there. I’ll consider it game over. Pardon the digression; now back to my feelings – since I feel like throwing up, I couldn’t eat a decent meal today. I will be avoiding spicy and heavy meals. I’ll probably have a sandwich over lunch; it’ll make choices much easier.
Speaking of lunch, do you know how much time I put into it? What I should eat? A certain amount of time is dedicated to just deciding what to eat. Not only for lunch, but if we have nothing at home it’s difficult to decide what to eat. That’s why a multiple choice quiz is never easy. It’s so fascinating to me that I waste time to decide what to eat while other people on the other side of the world are taking their time to find something to eat. I’m often criticized that I waste too much food whilst people are starving. My philosophy to this is that there is starvation and gluttony no matter what anyone does. Saving food doesn’t make a starving a child full. It’s actually a very weak philosophy, but I really don’t care about others.
April 23rd, 2008
Sunday. Boredom struck me. I was in the verge of depression - I may as well have been. I tried to sleep it off, but I can’t. My eyes are being pulled inside, yet I can’t keep them closed. Thoughts are empty, yet I feel tireless. I wanted to get out and watch a movie, but nothing is worth watching these past few weeks. Rented movies are too depressing and mind boggling. My mind’s not in the mood to think. Nothing on TV worth watching. Nobody worth talking to. I can’t write. Paranoid. I felt like ending.
My day didn’t start that way. When I woke up, I watched “Shoot ‘Em Up” on DVD which is action-packed. Then I had a light lunch and went to a car dealer with my father. The car was there, but nobody was available to appraise the van for trade-in. I’ll be back Wednesday morning and hopefully get it done quick. When we got back, I went grocery shopping because supply was low. Only it was after I got back from grocery shopping that time went so very slow I was actually wishing it was Monday the next hour. If everyone doesn’t want a Monday morning to arrive, I wished for it. What caused this? I very much know the cause. For anyone out there, if you can, avoid long distance relationship. It’s not healthy for you. I can fully control my emotions that’s why I’m still alive and breathing. If I was weak and have no self control, I would be messier now.
April 14th, 2008
With the Yankees on a losing streak and I wanted to get back on my movie woes, I went to Blockbuster last night at around 10PM to rent a couple of films. This time, I didn’t go with romance or comedy. I tried my luck on thrills, so I rented Guy Richie’s “Revolver” and “Shoot ‘Em Up“. I started with a Richie flick and I wasn’t disappointed.
“Revolver” has all the formula for a Guy Richie flick plus a psychological touch. As a matter of fact, it really is a psychological film on ego. A man’s battle against himself. Jake Green (Jason Statham) planned a revenge against the person who brought him into prison for seven years. However, at the dawn of his vengeance, he was interrupted by two loan sharks who were actually guiding him to know his real enemy. These two men happened also to be the ones who taught him everything he knows about conning and playing “the game” of chess. Eventually he realized that his real enemy is his ego.
I have long believed that living is a game and it is ourselves as the opponent. I did not know about ego other than it is the self. At the credits of the film, experts on ego commented or rather stated what they know of ego. Dr. Chopra said that there never is an external enemy, rather it is the real enemy’s projection that we have an external enemy so that we won’t suspect the ego to be the enemy. Our ego is manipulating our mind to believe that another human being is the enemy. We spend a lifetime trying to defeat that enemy. What we don’t know is that it is ourselves that opposes us. It is my perception that gives me the idea to hate and try to overcome something; the external entity is only a medium to whom I exert my frustration because I am made to believe by the ego. I always say that life is not precious because it has a known ending. We are nothing but pawns in this game called life. However, like any game, we shouldn’t cheat so that we can end the game.
“Revolver” will definitely be part of my top list. I wouldn’t think twice a Guy Richie film.
April 10th, 2008
What’s so good about a long distance relationship that I’m always caught up in it? Honestly speaking, it’s not at all fabulous. There’s too much tension between partner, expensive and longing is at maximum. What’s worst is if you meet for a few days or a few weeks, by the time you separate again, the longing reaches a new maximum.
Missing someone special in your life is easily forgotten if you keep yourself busy. If I’m working, I forget that lonely feeling, but of course she’s still on my mind. However, it is at my idle that is tormenting. On weekends waking up with only the thought of her is not enough because I know I have to fill the rest of my day alone. The torment becomes more serious especially if a thought that in the near future I still won’t be with her. Over and over again, I feel or rather I think like I would leave everything and fly back to her and start life anew there. It’s my realistic side that’s stopping me. I know time will come that Mai & I will be together as one, close as ever. It’s just a matter of time and a whole lot of patience from the both of us.
Long live to the both of us, Mai! Hold on tight… All the thoughts on you and the future. This charade will soon end and a true beginning shall start.
April 6th, 2008
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