The day is beautiful; it’ll be warmer today. The sky is clear, so wireless signal should be excellent. I guess it’s one of those days. A man took my usual seat before I arrived at the cafe, so I had to take another location. Too bad, the signal in this location is faint. I won’t bitch about my hardware because I was connected, but got disconnected when I lost the signal. I’m writing this in my offline server so I’ll be publishing it online later.
I’ll leave you with one thought:
I can feel a pleasure, that’s the pain.
May 23rd, 2008
I had a short term absence online, if anyone noticed. I did it intentionally because nothing was coming out of my head, except the back entries that I will be posting tonight.They were posted offline in my i-touch-nothing-happens. I installed an offline WP there so that I can write directly through there and I don’t have to re-format my entries when I’m publishing online. Before my word processing software was formatting the entries when I copy & paste.
I vowed to halt my presence in the world wide web for a week. I didn’t even check if I had comments for moderation. I was going to reinstate my presence on Monday, but a slew of ideas came into my head and I didn’t want to lose them, so I’m writing this now while I’m on the ferry.
For some reason, I feel relieved from anger and all the negative thoughts that’s why I’m able to write again. I was reading so much of Ayn Rand that I realized I was bashing society so much. It is as if I’m emphasizing society, thus giving it more importance. Well, I’ll lay low on that topic for now. I was thinking of writing about emotions, especially pain. I heard a Dolores O’riordan song and it inspired me to personify pain and destruction. I don’t think I can, but I’ll think something along the way that’ll satisfy my urge to write about it.
May 15th, 2008
Taken from We The Living, Chapter 9:
“Do you believe in God, Andrei?”
“No.”
“Neither do I. But that’s a favorite question of mine. An upside-down question, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if I asked people whether they believed in life, they’d never understand what I meant. It’s a bad question. It can mean so much that it really means nothing. So I ask them if they believe in God. And if they say they do — then, I know they don’t believe in life.”
“Why?”
“Because you see, God — whatever anyone chooses to call God — is one’s highest conception of the highest possible. And whoever places his highest conception above his own possibility thinks very little of himself and his life. It’s a rare gift, you know, to feel reverence for your own life and to want the best, the greatest, the highest possible, here, now, for your very own. To imagine a heaven and then not to dream of it, but to demand it.”
“You’re a strange girl.”
“You see, you and I, we believe in life. But you want to fight for it, to kill for it, even to die — for life. I only want to live it.”
I always believe that satisfying oneself now should be the only task a man should have. Also, the task may be acted upon in any way he sees fit. That is living the life for me.
May 13th, 2008
Did something ever occur to you where you’ve said something and you wish you did not say it because it will open a discussion, only that discussion should and must not proceed? Well, it happens to me all the time because of my nature. First off, there are two kinds of me - simpleton and enigmatic. Each kind corresponds to a person’s level of acquaintance with me. I’m a simpleton towards a person if that person is familiar or intimate with me. I am transparent towards that person. Otherwise, I’m a complete enigma. For the sake of this entry, I will be referring to my simpleton self.
The wife and I chatted online, catching up on things. Towards the end when the session was about to end, she asked a question based on her observations of how I speak over the phone, talk online, etc. She can analyze me pretty well - quite a feat of her I must say. She knows how I would express certain things through speech patterns and tones. I guess that’s because we’re the same. There’s no escaping so I answered honestly. Then came the follow up question that MUST always supersede that former question. The answer to the follow up question she posed is of highest significance to complete the thought of my answer to the first question, otherwise it would be dangling. Well, you guessed it. I did not answer the follow up question.
I have a dilemma. I’m troubled. Not answering the follow up question definitely breaks the concept of “open to each other.” I feel guilty. The thing is that I probably would bring the answer to my grave, unless she can completely read my mind. Only I, alone, know the answer to the question. To meet halfway with her (I probably gave her more headaches with it), I encrypted the word (only one word answers the question) using SHA-256 and gave the encrypted string as the answer. A simple brute force decryption would solve the mystery. I couldn’t resist her so I had to tell her. I’m relieved.
Last edited by aovaron on May 11, 2008 at 8:52 AM
May 11th, 2008
A man is born to serve what purpose? My guess is as good as yours. Is it to populate, shape and define the world? Maybe. What I am sure of is that a man is born waiting to die. A man’s life is finite. He lives and after a span of time, he dies – forever decayed; no soul, no afterlife. During the time the man lives, he undergoes several transformations toward his ending. He suffers through time to reach that end. Life is a process of dying.
So why do we value life so much? Life is not precious because sooner or later it is gone. It causes all kinds of pain. So why do we protect something that is worthless and destructive? What is so good about the world that we thrive to live in it longer. These questions are yet to be answered; not here, but hopefully a hint appears.
I’ve lived twenty-six worthless years and spent a decade of those years in a quest to answer these questions. I have no answer, but I realized a tiny bit of it – happiness. There is no stopping the birth of man no matter what laws, medications, family planning we implement. Time and time again, man will be born save annihilation. Even so, man will evolve one way or another. So I thought, what would man do if he has no control over his birth? He has to live life and goes in a journey where he avoids suffering that is brought by living. Only in the absence of suffering happiness is reached.
What is suffering? Suffering is a feeling of destruction. Something that will cause physical and mental aspect of man to break down. These things we know as grief, jealousy, envy, hunger, pain, torment, and many more which your imagination can define. By that definition, we can deduce that man suffers because of another. Man does not grieve because of himself, he grieves because of another. Man loves (a form of attachment) another and will do everything to keep the attachment intact. Once the attachment is lost, man undergoes a series of states of suffering - grief, loneliness, depression, etc.
Since the cause of suffering is not oneself, society gets the blame. Social attachment torments a man. Being social do bring happiness, but only until a point. In society man acquaints himself with another who would bring happiness in a moment, but would later on bring lifelong suffering. Once a man attaches himself to another, he will protect both the relationship and the other entity as if it is a treasure.
A treasure is defined as an entity which – naturally – cannot be lost. It is only lost if hidden (i.e. kept or stolen), but it still exists. Life cannot be a treasure because it is lost no matter how careful the caretaker is. What is left behind when a man dies is a pseudo-self which is also known as memory.
Protecting a treasure is already cumbersome and takes so much out of a person. That act in itself contributes to a person’s suffering. How else would the feeling be if the treasure is lost? Naturally, anger, grief, disbelief, etc arise. As previously stated these are sufferings. It is true that having that treasure makes a man happy, but it’s troublesome taking care of that treasure.
In conclusion, eternal bliss cannot be attained by sharing with others. Eternal bliss is for an individual, not a group that’s why it is so difficult to achieve. The happiness we enjoy now is only temporary and we should enjoy that as much as possible. Think not of the future nor the past, enjoy the moment because it is now that will shape the future. Be happy if you’re happy.
May 5th, 2008
On my way to the office today, I passed by a Romanian Festival. They have the festival annually. I bought lunch at the festival - an expensive but fulfilling lunch. I had an Italian sausage on a hero and a stick of shish kebab. Last year I had gyro, so I didn’t want one this year.
I had a very interesting conversation with Avey in the office - mainly on my love life. Everyone in the office is curious about my love life, but surprisingly I’m not embarrassed about it. I’m very open about it unlike before. It’s a good feeling, but I still need to work on my I love you response to Mai when I’m on the phone with her while I’m at the office. I’m still shy about it.
Funny thing happened while I was on the ferry on my way home. As the ferry was docking, a kid - about 4-5 years old - sat next to me and faced the two loud girls in front of me. When the girls left their seats to get off the boat, the kid (a girl) screamed at them to “not go anywhere.” It was funny and scary at the same time. The kid was screaming madly. The girls got scared and I left my seat also because she might come after me next. What a character.
Goddamn, I miss Mai a lot.
May 3rd, 2008
If something strikes a nerve in my head I usually blog or linger a thought about it. However, due to some uncontrolled circumstances, I lost my inspiration over the weekend. So here I am again, trying to remember the moment which confirmed and disappointed my way of living. I may have seen a movie that could push “Mallrats” or “Good Will Hunting” down a notch. I’ve only seen “Into The Wild” once, so I don’t know the effect if I watch it over and over again.
“Into The Wild” confirmed my ideals and that it had been lived once. It’s a story of a man (Christopher Johnson McCandless played by Emile Hirsh) who detached himself from society because he hated it so much. He embraced the peaceful and adventurous Nature. He disregarded the material things because he believed it caused. It’s really a very powerful equation because I never thought of it that way. I’ve always thought of it’s result specifically. I’ve always deduced it to suffering. To say that it causes struck a domain with a wider range. Wealth and power causes suffering. His definition precedes mine. It’s a discovery of greater value for me. Wealth and power causes ______. Anything could be filled in the blank and that’s what I meant by a wider range.
I’d really would like to write more about MCandless’ thoughts but I won’t. I would go straight to the disappointment he brought me before he died. His last testament was the confession that “happiness only real when shared.” This is where I still define myself from him. Happiness, as I always believe, is for oneself. Having it shared with someone else does not make happiness eternal. A man’s journey should lead him to eternal bliss and all of us shall perish not achieving it. We are all slaves of love and care. We submit to love. I witness that because I for one have been forced into submission by the feeling of imperceptible care for someone. The selfless and voluntary devotion to someone. The reality of happiness is unattainable because we are not completely detached from society. From the movie, he made friends with others which brought his own demise. He lingered the thought of going back to society to share his experience with others. He was not always true to himself because he always hinted the return to society. His transformation wasn’t complete.
I am fully aware that I cannot come close to what McCandless have gone to, but I strongly believe that my realization is enough for me to live that life inside my head. I shall die not a hypocrite for I am living the things I believe inside me. My shell matters to me not.
April 28th, 2008
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