Archive for April, 2008
I am really irritated with people who think they absolutely know what they are saying about the future. People who push themselves to me so as to satisfy their happiness and I lose mine. People who promise that I would be happy in the future. People who show you in your face that they are exerting an effort. People who predict that you will regret things in the future.
What do I care? There is no outside force that can convince or influence what I want. My decisions are only influenced with what I want. Satisfying my desires (wants) is the road to my happiness.
April 30th, 2008
For the aches and pains I’ve caused. For the time not shared. For the longing felt. For the doubts I’ve thought. For the weakness I’ve hinted. For the anger not shown. For the offense I may have committed. To the wife, I’m sorry.
April 28th, 2008
If something strikes a nerve in my head I usually blog or linger a thought about it. However, due to some uncontrolled circumstances, I lost my inspiration over the weekend. So here I am again, trying to remember the moment which confirmed and disappointed my way of living. I may have seen a movie that could push “Mallrats” or “Good Will Hunting” down a notch. I’ve only seen “Into The Wild” once, so I don’t know the effect if I watch it over and over again.
“Into The Wild” confirmed my ideals and that it had been lived once. It’s a story of a man (Christopher Johnson McCandless played by Emile Hirsh) who detached himself from society because he hated it so much. He embraced the peaceful and adventurous Nature. He disregarded the material things because he believed it caused. It’s really a very powerful equation because I never thought of it that way. I’ve always thought of it’s result specifically. I’ve always deduced it to suffering. To say that it causes struck a domain with a wider range. Wealth and power causes suffering. His definition precedes mine. It’s a discovery of greater value for me. Wealth and power causes ______. Anything could be filled in the blank and that’s what I meant by a wider range.
I’d really would like to write more about MCandless’ thoughts but I won’t. I would go straight to the disappointment he brought me before he died. His last testament was the confession that “happiness only real when shared.” This is where I still define myself from him. Happiness, as I always believe, is for oneself. Having it shared with someone else does not make happiness eternal. A man’s journey should lead him to eternal bliss and all of us shall perish not achieving it. We are all slaves of love and care. We submit to love. I witness that because I for one have been forced into submission by the feeling of imperceptible care for someone. The selfless and voluntary devotion to someone. The reality of happiness is unattainable because we are not completely detached from society. From the movie, he made friends with others which brought his own demise. He lingered the thought of going back to society to share his experience with others. He was not always true to himself because he always hinted the return to society. His transformation wasn’t complete.
I am fully aware that I cannot come close to what McCandless have gone to, but I strongly believe that my realization is enough for me to live that life inside my head. I shall die not a hypocrite for I am living the things I believe inside me. My shell matters to me not.
April 28th, 2008
While I was waiting for the ferry at the terminal a few minutes ago, I witnessed something very amusing. When I arrived at the terminal, there’s a group of students which I guess on a trip. A member of this group is a little man who is handicapped. Since they are at the door, I stood next to them because the door was about to open. While standing there an old Albanian woman went to the little man, tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a dollar bill. At first I thought maybe she was part of the group – the chaperon. But then the woman continued on her way past the group and the little man looked over his shoulder, awed and confused why the old woman gave her a dollar. I couldn’t hold myself so I grinned in front of his friends. They also were shocked and laughed at what happened.
It was amusing because the guy did not look like a beggar. He was sporting a Hollister Kids clothing. He himself smiled at what happened. I can’t believe someone really is that insensitive these days that they patronize people so easily. People should only give if they are asked because everyone has pride. I am generous, but I seldom give if I’m not asked. I will volunteer if I’m not asked, but I’d ask permission from the receiver before I give. I’m too considerate of others – not all.
On a side note, I miss the wife. So to her, I offer this verse from Ryan Adams:
And I was breathless on a Sunday morning
And I was speechless on a Sunday night
For a lack of better understanding
Felt like an engine that just didn’t need a tire
I see your face, I hear your voice
I touch the screen and wonder
And I been waiting for the sun to tell me
It’s just been sitting here, I don’t know why
If you could give me anything tonight
Just a wink, or even just a sigh
I’ll be okay…
April 24th, 2008
Do you ever have something in a year that just has to come and makes your life a mess even though it’s supposed to be celebrated? Well, aside from birthdays, Spring season which I mostly adore is the one that gives me hard time in the past few years and now. Mainly during spring it rains and I hate rains in this part of the world because umbrellas don’t serve their purpose. The wind is too strong that the rain gets into you if the wind is not able to break your umbrella. When Spring comes, allergens are everywhere and I just couldn’t stop my runny nose until early June. It’s a nightmare.
Today, it slowly started yesterday, I’m having a cold and it’ll probably develop into a flu. There’s a free flu shot ad at the Ferry Terminal, but I doubt if I’d get one. Usually if I can still handle it, I don’t take any medicines. I’m on a ferry now on my way to work and I think I’ll stop by a pharmacy to get myself some Advil because I’ll be facing my monitor all day and it’s not so good for an ill person because the radiation coming off it decreases your immune system giving way to bacteria a safer passage to your body. I know that this cold is simply the preamble to my season long allergies. I’ll be scratching and blowing my nose in the next two months.
Right now I feel like throwing up. I been feeling this since this morning when I woke up. I’m dehydrated which is a sign of a flu. I hope it doesn’t develop into something like last year when I was bedridden for a couple of days. I couldn’t stand up then and it’s so frustrating being helpless. That’s why if ever I become disabled, i would just end it there. I’ll consider it game over. Pardon the digression; now back to my feelings – since I feel like throwing up, I couldn’t eat a decent meal today. I will be avoiding spicy and heavy meals. I’ll probably have a sandwich over lunch; it’ll make choices much easier.
Speaking of lunch, do you know how much time I put into it? What I should eat? A certain amount of time is dedicated to just deciding what to eat. Not only for lunch, but if we have nothing at home it’s difficult to decide what to eat. That’s why a multiple choice quiz is never easy. It’s so fascinating to me that I waste time to decide what to eat while other people on the other side of the world are taking their time to find something to eat. I’m often criticized that I waste too much food whilst people are starving. My philosophy to this is that there is starvation and gluttony no matter what anyone does. Saving food doesn’t make a starving a child full. It’s actually a very weak philosophy, but I really don’t care about others.
April 23rd, 2008
While I was watching the opening for Eat Bulaga! today, I was reminded of my high school days back in the Philippines. Back then, we had a subject wherein we did skits every Fridays on a given topic. It’s a civics class, so the topics relate to morals and ethics. But that’s not the point of this entry.
How did EB’s opening remind me of those years? Well, for me Wally Bayola of the duo Jose & Wally is really funny and talented, but for the love of __the_name_of_your_Almighty__ he needs to take his assignments seriously. Today, he & Jose performed together with Jeepney Joyride and I swear Wally was just moving his lips not knowing the lyrics of the song. It’s not the first time either. Every time he sings he doesn’t know the lyrics of the song. It’s a live band so there’s no way he can lip-sync. In dancing, I know he’s good at it, but it seems he never practices the steps. In skits, he forgets what he’s supposed to do. It’s been going on for years and this really makes his talent go to waste. And I like him over Jose.
Still how did it remind me of those years? When we’re doing our skits, we often forget our lines and reminding me of those years is just fascinating. It was just like yesterday and now we are all over the world with some of us having families already. It’s amazing how time goes and reminds us of what happened. We did plenty in those years. We did a concert using primitive instruments which our ancestors used way back before the Spaniards colonized us. I never had that experience when I went to high school in New York. I even joined a pageant in my Freshmen year. We only had about 12 boys in our section and we all had to join or else we fail. Now that I think of it, if I had the knowledge I have now, I would have gotten out of that show easily. I hope this entry doesn’t remind someone to search their albums for pictures of the event because it will be a freakin’ nightmare for all of us.
What’s the moral of my story? If you are given a task, be prepared. If you are forced to do extra-curricular activities and is threatened to be failed if you did not join, sue them. That’s why it’s called extra-curricular because it’s not mandatory – not part of the curriculum. Everytime I remember that event, it drives me nuts. I can still remember my outfit, my talent, etc. I’m pathetic as always.
April 22nd, 2008
I’ve been thinking of the wife, so I guess it’s about time to be romantic.
Images of you keep appearing in my mind. Every little thing you did when we were together - the way you wiggle your lips in your sleep, trying not to wake up. Keeping you from scratching your healing burns and that too. Wiping your back when you’re sweating. Your pinches from behind. Your hugs and kisses. Your bites. You feeding me.
I hope I won’t lose this feeling even though it’s too difficult for me. Missing you is the sweetest torment that I can forever partake.
April 22nd, 2008
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